Author Topic: Chuck Norris Jokes..  (Read 663 times)

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Frank P.

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Chuck Norris Jokes..
« on: February 13, 2008, 09:47:29 am »
I found some of these quite funny and they made me a lot happier today so I decided to share, hopefully they will make your day brighter :) It might seem like a long list but I've got 8 more pages of these jokes but it's definitely worth a read if you want a laugh..

# Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

# There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

# Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

# The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

# Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

# Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

# Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)

# Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

# Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

# Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

# Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

# The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

# CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

# Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

# Chuck Norris doesn?t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

# Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

# If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

# Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

# Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

# Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

# The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

# Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

# When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

# Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

# Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

IllAssembly

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2008, 09:51:04 am »
chuck norris is the man

try to make some up its hard


« Last Edit: February 13, 2008, 11:00:35 am by [TKC]MurdaFace »

Frank P.

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2008, 09:55:30 am »
Not really. I look out my window and think...
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

ZOldDude

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2008, 10:44:41 am »
Norris was a surfer who used to live 12 miles south of me when he won the Ed Parker Open decades ago.

I know lots 20 year olds that could take him on today (same with me being over the hill!).

*While we crash and burn, small, low tech, agrarian societies such as the Hmong in the mountains of Laos will continue on without so much as blinking an eye.*

IllAssembly

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2008, 10:56:28 am »
fedor emelianenko would beatm up

Vicious

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2008, 06:05:08 am »
Best Joke of All:

Chuck Norris STILL does the total gym advertisements  :icon_o_o
Innocence proves nothing

IllAssembly

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2008, 07:53:23 am »
lol -     


# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

# When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.


in the first day of the war, 2000+ enemies were killedor surrendered. on the second day the enemy resorted to blowing themselves up with suicide vests. below is picture proof:
« Last Edit: February 15, 2008, 07:58:52 am by [TKC]MurdaFace »

ZOldDude

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2016, 10:19:43 am »
I see people are still reading and bots crawling this thread after all these years.

*While we crash and burn, small, low tech, agrarian societies such as the Hmong in the mountains of Laos will continue on without so much as blinking an eye.*

MrCamo

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Re: Chuck Norris Jokes..
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2016, 12:06:48 pm »
I remain moderatedBanned from TKC forever as I keep posting porn 2 piss off the Staff.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRzlha-tZS4