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General Public Section => Off Topic => Topic started by: ZOldDude on January 15, 2008, 04:55:33 am

Title: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on January 15, 2008, 04:55:33 am
1: Online gaming is serious business:

So, you finally got your game hooked up and are ready to play. Now, you may be forgiven for thinking that online gaming is about having fun. You are very wrong and you will learn this in due time. Because we gamers are too physically weak to pick random fights in bars, we must assert our alpha male dominance another way -- by twiddling our fingers around on buttons until virtual representations of people we don't know simulate death.

This is your life now, and you are connected, physically and emotionally, to your in-game avatar. When they frag you, do you not bleed? Well, no you don't but that's not the point. You will mourn him for every second of that respawn countdown. His digital death just killed a little piece of you, and you will avenge with the fury of a thousand angry Gods.

In team games, if you are losing, remember to berate your teammates and tell them how much they suck. You won't be making a fool out of yourself for ordering them around and reminding them that your side is losing and nobody's helping you win. Also, you must use words like "alpha," all the time, just like you're a real army man!

2: Noobs are scum:

People who are new to a particular game are terrible vermin who you should not fraternise with. These subhumans are known as noobs and they are the pariahs of online gaming. You, however, were never a noob. You were playing games online before the Internet was even invented. In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64.

Make sure to check out the stats of anybody in a game with you. If they have not been playing for long, then you must hurl insults at them because they are lesser human beings. Laugh cruelly if noobs are your opponents, and grimace loudly if they are on your team.

Also, the term noob has such power that if you dislike someone's actions in a game, you can say it to them as well. Obviously, displeasing you is deadly enough to make them forget all their prior gaming experience and they actually revert back into children. 

3: If a feature in a game is popular/effective, it is cheap:

Be it the chainsaw in Gears of War, or snipers in any FPS ever made, there are a number of cool features and tactics in games that people not only find enjoyable to use, but are often highly effective methods of securing victory -- never use them. If you do so, you are cheap and will become a noob. You are a hardcore gamer now, which means you only use shotguns or anything else that's really boring. You hate all that is popular, and if you see anybody utilising the best/more useful features of a game, you are to get rid of them immediately. 

If these pukes were good at the game like you, they wouldn't need to rely on such cheap tactics, would they? They'd be like you, running around with the shotgun, not having fun and despising everything everyone else is doing. The fact that they have killed you so many times is proof of how bad they are at playing.

4: If anything kills you at all, it is cheap:

Like the above rule, but applied to every potential threat in a game. If someone shoots you to death using nothing but a pistol and with his eyes closed, he is being cheap. Cheap is one of the most brutal insults after noob, and anybody who hears it will feel worse about the fact they are winning ten to zero. It's a hollow victory, because they are so cheap.

5: If you are losing, it is because of lag:

Following on from the cheapness laws, you will soon get to learn that nothing is ever your fault when it comes to gaming. Lag is a process whereby everyone in the game becomes better than you thanks to the Internet helping them become cheap. The Internet does this a lot, but never affects the enemies you kill yourself, because you have skills.

Nearly every death you ever suffer in a game will be due to lag of some kind. The Internet hates you that much, even though you are so good.

6: If you are losing badly, it is because they are hacking:

Losing a little is one thing, that's just lag conspiring to keep your ownage levels down, but lag can only help the noobs cheaply beat you so much. If you are losing to such a point where not even your lag-pwning skill seems to be making a difference, well there's only one solution, and it's not that they are better than you -- it's that they are hacking.

People who appear to be doing a lot of killing and not much of being killed are hackers, plain and simple. There is no way they're that good without cheating. Re-assure your team (after calling them worthless) that the enemy is clearly powered by nefarious undertakings and you are being penalized for your wholesome and pure ways. Then remember to say alpha.

7: Everyone is gay:

Before the Internet was invented, gay people were those in society who were attracted physically and emotionally to members of the same gender. Since the Internet, everyone and everything is gay. From the gun they use to kill you, to the voice they use to communicate with you, it is all gay, gay, gay. Lag is gay, snipers are gay, noobs are gay, people from other countries are gay, the countries they come from are gay, the ocean the country is surrounded by is gay, the fish in the ocean are gay, all sealife is gay, life is gay, gays are gay, gay gay gay. Gay.

Using the same one-syllable word to describe everything you don't like might not be an indicator of a varied vocabulary, but who cares? Words are gay.

8: Singing is awesome:

Communicating via a headset is great because it lets gamers sing, and that is one of the only reasons we buy headsets. In fact, some people are known to log into servers just to hear poor quality, nasal renditions of the latest "phat tracks." One of the most original and beloved songs to sing is anything done by Rick Astley.

Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag.

If you lack the raw sexual magnetisim and confidence that is required to sing during a game, you can always hold the microphone up to some speakers and play your favorite tunes for everybody. Your fellow gamers really care what your musical interests are and will applaud your tasteful selection of tracks. 

9: Calling people naggers is both original and hilarious:

Racism online is bad, which is a shame because deep down everybody knows it's actually awesome. There is, however, a really witty workaround that allows you to say racist words while not actually saying them. Remember that episode of South Park where Randy believed that the missing letter in "n - ggers" was an I? Then he said the full word and everyone was shocked because it was actually naggers and not that word? Well, here's a pro tip -- nobody has EVER thought of calling people naggers online. You are going to be so edgy if you capitalize on this opportunity.

Do it all the time and your popularity will skyrocket.

10: Team members who score are kill stealers:

Kill stealing is one of the most abhorrent and despicable crimes ever committed, and is even listed in some modern Bibles as the eighth deadly sin. Every opponent is a victim waiting to die by your hand alone, and if anybody dares shoot them before you, they are a kill stealer. Only you may have the glory of the kill, and woe betide anybody caught shooting at the same target as you. If they get the win, they clearly stole your kill.

Even if you and a team member are on opposite sides of the game map, they kill stole. Obviously they did. Probably thanks to a hack.

Just remember, of course, that you are not a kill stealer. You are merely an opportunist. Besides which, since all the enemies are your personal fodder anyway, you're taking nothing away from the meat puppets who are only there to be noobs and bring down your score by sucking.

These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress.

Z
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gamming
Post by: [TKC]Symantic on January 15, 2008, 06:42:01 am
should be named "the only 10 laws i abide by" z...
lol, this is great  :icon_thumbsup
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gamming
Post by: M. O. on January 15, 2008, 01:25:42 pm
Yea that's why they deserve to get TKed (apart from us having fun)  :icon_devil
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gamming
Post by: [TKC]Wesker on January 15, 2008, 01:43:42 pm
In fact, you're so awesome that you were playing Dizzy the Egg team deatchmatches on your Commodore 64.

I remember this on the C64 all too well  :icon_laugh
(http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/7052/c64dizzyci4.th.png) (http://img175.imageshack.us/my.php?image=c64dizzyci4.png)
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gamming
Post by: Frank P. on January 15, 2008, 01:53:13 pm
Quote
Try to sing as loudly and obnoxiously as you can into your headset before, during and after a game, only stopping when you need to step away from the mic to breathe. Everybody will be impressed and will want to play with you again. In fact, you're so great at singing that the only reason you're not on Broadway right now is that showbusiness is full of lag.
Show business is full of lag XD This is a great list, it needs to be stickied!
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on January 16, 2008, 01:59:11 am
Done...and rules are now in bold type.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Frank P. on January 16, 2008, 06:41:38 am
Done...and rules are now in bold type.
That's heaps better to read now. It should be put on the main page as well :D
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on January 16, 2008, 07:55:22 am
Done...and rules are now in bold type.
That's heaps better to read now. It should be put on the main page as well :D

Another good idea...I will let Mullah Omar place it there.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Frank P. on January 16, 2008, 10:02:07 am
Done...and rules are now in bold type.
That's heaps better to read now. It should be put on the main page as well :D

Another good idea...I will let Mullah Omar place it there.
Glad to see you fixed the spelling mistake in the title (gamming > gaming) as well.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on January 16, 2008, 12:04:08 pm
You know me...I am a powerhouse of typos. :icon_biggrin2
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Frank P. on January 16, 2008, 12:55:33 pm
You know me...I am a powerhouse of typos. :icon_biggrin2
Least you fix them. Like I told you on MSN, I can read your typos, most of them are only minor.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: i R Cheater on January 17, 2008, 04:46:35 am
Since reading this, I have stopped playing competitive online games because they're gay.

Thank you so much.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: IllAssembly on February 11, 2008, 10:14:36 am
hey, i love 2 play arma i play it too often. i also stretched out this 38 yr old faggot in the bar the other night while i was smashed he flew off his barstool
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: [TKC]Wesker on February 11, 2008, 04:40:01 pm
i also stretched out this 38 yr old faggot in the bar the other night while i was smashed he flew off his barstool
You score double points for that!
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: IllAssembly on February 11, 2008, 10:46:13 pm
lmao these rules should be engraved into stone and about the bar incident i slept at my buddies it so thought i was going to get arrested but no charges pending@@
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: PREDATOR on March 01, 2008, 04:51:04 pm
Zold, you remember our VC Days? I was playin with a dial up modem back then ;) Lag only made me better.  I also played with a keyboard, and no monitor. Oh, by the way, my phone was disconnected as well. Made it only SLIGHTLY challenging.

But I seemed to do pretty well :icon_shifty
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: PREDATOR on March 01, 2008, 04:54:07 pm
Oh, and I'm deaf, dumb, and blind, as well as a quadriplegic.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on August 23, 2008, 01:01:15 am
Opps....sorry I took so long to reply but I was building this computer back in March and was off line for a few days.
Yeah I recall.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: TheHeckler! on September 03, 2008, 10:55:39 am
That was a great read Z...truly marvelous!

Oh, and I remember playing that game on the original NES wesker...fun times, fun times.  :icon_teehee
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on September 03, 2008, 08:52:14 pm
That was a great read Z...truly marvelous!

Oh, and I remember playing that game on the original NES wesker...fun times, fun times.  :icon_teehee
"These are the ten golden rules of online gaming. There are of course plenty of other important laws, but this should be everything you need to get started off on the right footing. First impressions are crucial, and with these ten rules in mind, you will always impress."

Oh I almost forgot...ALPHA!!!111
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: MrMedic on October 23, 2009, 02:22:03 am
(http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/9983/dedust20101.jpg)

rule 11 never have a hack contest with me
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: hoax-ravenheckler on October 23, 2009, 02:31:38 am
id totally beat you
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: MrMedic on October 23, 2009, 05:18:24 am
contest tomorrow night hoax , screenshot at the end lol and post it here .. GAME ON? ( secretly laughs this will be fun )
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: [TKC]phranz on October 23, 2009, 02:02:12 pm
yay, contest!

can we bet?    :icon_cool2
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: MrMedic on October 23, 2009, 07:54:50 pm
lol start betting
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: [TKC]Symantic on October 23, 2009, 11:47:49 pm
i bet on the server is crashed before the screenshots are taken :D
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Follis on December 03, 2009, 10:20:45 pm
Good times!
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: hugenesss on February 28, 2012, 08:39:38 pm
I keep the laws 0  :icon_laugh
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: MrMedic on May 15, 2012, 06:01:04 am
(http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/9983/dedust20101.jpg)

rule 11 never have a mod-app contest with me

this still works even after all this time.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ca655321 on May 23, 2012, 10:54:39 pm
owned!
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on May 25, 2012, 04:11:34 am
(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/20638164.jpg)
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: FrankHorrigan on May 31, 2012, 10:15:45 am
Also 11. If the same guy kills you 3 times he is cheater!
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Energizer on June 03, 2012, 02:52:24 pm
 :icon_thumbsup :D fantastic
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Coronel_Niel on June 06, 2012, 04:38:22 am
If Medic says "Nice", your doing it wrong
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: MrMedic on June 06, 2012, 04:42:25 am
If Medic says "Nice", your doing it wrong

Nice!  :smile
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: C|T on June 06, 2012, 04:55:53 am
Also 11. If the same guy kills you 3 times he is cheater!

Nahh "You" still have not figured out how to start pwning  :icon_razz2

If Medic says "Nice", your doing it wrong

If Medic says "Nice", your doing it wrong

Nice!  :smile

hehahaaa   :icon_biggrin2
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Temo on June 07, 2012, 03:45:13 pm
hilarious :D
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Cryout on June 13, 2012, 02:57:57 am
hahaahah nice and fantastic  :icon_biggrin2
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: critterscosmo on June 17, 2012, 04:01:31 am
(http://img243.imageshack.us/img243/9983/dedust20101.jpg)

rule 11 never have a mod-app contest with me

this still works even after all this time.

LOOOOOOL
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: DeadEd38 on June 23, 2012, 07:54:25 am
This shit is gold.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Artmanzzz on July 24, 2012, 09:20:45 pm
7: Everyone is gay:
So Battlefield 3... :icon_laugh btw nice rules. :icon_cool2
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Sirkan on August 23, 2012, 04:45:10 pm
 :icon_laugh lol, thats awesome
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: mardeon on March 03, 2014, 06:25:35 pm
lol
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Captain on March 08, 2014, 09:18:33 am
First rule of tkc:

Don't talk about tkc.
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Megaxd on March 12, 2014, 08:18:21 am
Lol
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: sonica on March 14, 2014, 03:22:25 am
lel so funny :D
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Kubus644 on March 16, 2014, 10:39:53 am
+1  :smile
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Kalorexoc on May 06, 2014, 01:29:53 am
lol 1+ internets to you op
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: postatama on July 06, 2014, 03:21:32 am
Lel
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Ryosha on August 19, 2014, 10:45:24 pm
Good one.    :icon_laugh
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: xrow33 on January 25, 2015, 04:38:53 am
First rule of tkc:

Don't talk about tkc.

Lol, why not
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on February 21, 2015, 10:50:56 am
First rule of tkc:

Don't talk about tkc.

Lol, why not
(https://i.imgflip.com/hx84u.jpg)
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on April 17, 2015, 10:04:08 am
(https://i.imgflip.com/hx84u.jpg)  :icon_cool2
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Matthew_Finchypoo on May 08, 2015, 10:25:32 am
Nice..
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: WestDimonik on May 12, 2015, 09:19:10 pm
Best rules
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ChemicalSloth on June 11, 2015, 09:40:27 pm
1# dont be a dick and have fun
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Fullmetall on July 22, 2015, 10:00:24 pm
nice :smile
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: ZOldDude on June 17, 2016, 04:51:14 am
Remember the Rules and when asked why your cheating simply say...

(https://i.imgflip.com/hx84u.jpg)
Title: Re: 10 Rules of Online Gaming
Post by: Enrico on January 28, 2017, 01:16:30 am
Haha nice  :icon_thumbsup